Thursday, April 18, 2013

10 Reasons Why Minnesota's Winter Must End

if it was December
Throw out the Kyoto Protocol. Tell Al Gore he was completely wrong about global warming. Scrutinize those scientific facts that point ominously toward global warming. On a day like today those facts seem skewed and this is why Minnesota's infinite winter must end.

  1. The winter is endless. Today is April 18—a good 3 weeks into spring—and it is snowing heavily outside. The six inches on the ground expected to easily double overnight.
  2. The sun was out for one day out of the last 12. On that balmy 40° day every kid in the neighborhood was outside playing in the streets and wearing shorts and T-shirts. Sun + 40° = shorts weather, despite the yards covered in snow.
  3. My dog is depressed and getting fat. He cannot run around the yard, chasing after trash trucks, other dogs, annoying teenagers on bikes, and kids riding Big Wheels. He gets out of his dog bed in the morning, stretches, looks around, and goes back to bed.
  4. I'm getting depressed. There is no sun, no green grass, no flowers, no impromptu neighborhood gatherings for a glass of wine in the driveway, no herb garden with fresh mint and basil. There's only the snow that's been covering the ground since November.
  5. I'm tired of talking about the cold weather. The weather is all that any Minnesotan talks 
    My deck,
    where my grill lies buried in snow
    about. How tired we are of shoveling snow, driving in snow, slipping and falling in snow. Ask any Minnesotan about global warming on a day like today and they will give you an earful.
  6. It's been cold here since October. I want to put away my electric blanket, my long underwear, my heavy boots, and all of my winter clothes. I'm talking about the weather again. See it seeps into everything!
  7. Any outdoor liquid surface is still frozen. Not frozen solid like you could drive on it or even walk on it, but those Canadian geese are walking on it.
  8. The birds that have migrated here from Florida must be really confused.
  9. I've been inspired to write a blog post criticizing something I cannot ever change. That is really sad, but it feels really good to complain about it.
  10. Did I mention that it is technically spring? It should be 60° not 30° and that brilliant orb in the sky should be present. Approaching late April and being blanketed in a foot of snow is just wrong!
 So why do I still live here? The summers are absolutely glorious and make me forget about the horrible ceaseless winters. 


alyssa said...

11. Unplowed, slushy, or slippery roads lead to slow, tough commutes...or even worse, accidents with injuries or fatalities.

Christianna said...

If this keeps up, I'll have to up my list to at least 15!